I have just got back from my mistress gym…I’ll pause there and explain.  I’ve been with my work gym for some time, it is predictable, boring and the equipment is getting a little old and rusty.  My mistress gym on the other hand, is new, exciting and there is equipment there that blows my mind!  Sure it costs a little more to keep using, but it’s so worth it and if my new gym doesn’t work out…well my work gym will always be there to welcome me back (this is an exceptionally tongue in cheek metaphor, for the more serious among us, please do not take this as my condoning the act of having a mistress nor is it an admittance of having a mistress, I struggle to keep one woman happy let alone two, plus as a bald, slightly chubby father of two, I am extremely proud of being the spouse of the woman so gracious enough to marry me and it would take more than Aphrodite herself to make me throw that away!).  I digress…I was at my mistress gym doing an extremely half hearted workout, so I took two minutes to scan who else was in the gym with me.  It didn’t take me long to identify almost every stereotype of gym goer that I know, so I thought I would share them with you:

  • The Show Off.  This goer always wears a vest, lifts far too much weight with extremely poor technique and has a massive upper body and teeny tiny legs.  Every rep is completed with an extremely loud grunt and a quick glance round to see who was watching him and a massive exhale declaring that he is indeed feeling the burn.  He is usually watching the Beauty Queen.
  • The Beauty Queen.  This goer is always immaculately made up.  Thick mascara, foundation and a bright red lipstick to complete the look.  She will be wearing something extremely small and extremely flattering.  She will not actually be in the gym to work out (she’s done that already in private, woe betide anyone see her sweat) no this visit is purely to reassure her that she is indeed the best looking in the gym.  She will walk between stations, set them to the lightest weight, complete a couple of reps and then take a sip from a bottle of water like she was filming an erotic adult movie.  She too will scan the gym in order to make sure everyone is looking at her and then complain when people do look because she isn’t a piece of meat.
  • The Oscar Statue.  This goer is in immaculate shape for a 135 year old.  He is as tanned and bronzed as an academy award with muscles to match.  He has clearly been working out all his life and will always be completely bald.  He laughs at the youngsters and will incorporate old school lifting techniques because they’ve worked for the last 100 years so why change them now.  He will annoyingly wear extremely tight short shorts and a vest top meaning not only can you see all of his extremely toned muscles, you can see both of his golden globes also.
  • Forced Attendee.  Usually accompanied by a much fitter, stronger friend, this goer is an extreme novice.  They find it difficult to copy what their much more experienced partner is doing and will inevitably not be there the next time you go.  They are usually bullied into being there by their friend telling them that it will be fun and that they’ll really enjoy it.  They clearly aren’t.  They immediately visit the Fast Food Restaurant that happens to be in the car park afterwards.
  • The Hard Gainer.  This guy, bless him, has all the best intentions.  He has done his research, he may even have taken a few sessions with a personal trainer, he has certainly got a subscription to Muscle & Fitness, but no matter what he does he just can’t make them #Gainz.  He is usually found wearing a baggy vest top, or a baggy t-shirt that he has gotten free with his latest supplement purchase, and a baggy pair of shorts.  He may, or may not, be wearing a sweat band on his head and wrists.
  • The Reader.  This goer still foolishly believes that if you train at a really slow pace for an extremely long time they will burn loads of fat.  They will find a stationary bike and pedal at 4 rotations a minute whilst they read their favourite magazine, or catch up on that novel they vowed to get through. They may also, in this modern day and age, have upgraded to a kindle.  They will sit and occupy that bike for an hour and a half and not have worked anything at all, but feel confident enough that they have been so ‘good’ that day that they too can have a takeaway for dinner.
  • The Horse.  This goer is a knob, quite literally.  He is a penis with a small man attached.  He will wear small shorts so tight you can see each and every vein and then whilst everyone else wears a reasonably sized towel, he will throw his flannel over one shoulder, his penis over the other and stride confidently to the showers safe in the knowledge that he will be the biggest gun slinger in town.  His drying technique will always involve a raised foot and a lunge style position whilst stroking back and forward far too many times to be natural.  He is a bastard.
  • The Expert.  This goer is perfectly built, has superb technique, does not involve himself with gym politics, he just trains and leaves, usually with the Beauty Queen!!
  • The Harried Mum.  For Louise.  Similar to the novice but is there under her own free will.  Her hair is unbrushed and piled high in a messy knot.  She can be found constantly hoiking up her leggings as she had to grab them straight out of the tumble dryer because she forgot to wash them after the last visit and had to do an emergency rummage in the laundry bin at 11pm the night before.  She’s there to work, and manages to squeeze a 3 hour session into 40 minutes, turning an attractive shade of beetroot in the process.  All this in an attempt to work off the entire pack of 12 cupcakes she inhaled the day before, instead of having lunch, because she was running late to pick up one of her kids.

If you work out, or visit a gym, do you recognise yourself in this list, or can you think of anyone else to add?  I would love to hear your thoughts.

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